Let me introduce my outfit, I call this one:
“Peggy Olson Season 1 But Without the Surprise Pregnancy”
Peggy Olson from Mad Men is my career spirit animal.
She went from awkward as hell to bad ass as fuck. Or just, an unnerving mix of them both.
MAD MEN NOSTALGIA
I’m so glad so much has changed in the ad industry since the days of Mad Men.
Like pay equity for women. Oh wait. Like excessive alcohol consumption. [stirs drink] Well, at the very least, as an industry, as a country, we’ve grown more progressive and tolerant and factual with overall better creative. [sarcasm]
ANTICHRIST? I’M LOVIN IT
I remember the first time I walked into an ad agency. Circa 2004. I was probably wearing the same outfit. I saw my first portfolio and fell in love. Words and images and psychological manipulation, all wrapped up in one pretty package. Mmmmmhmmmm. Who’s your career daddy? Advertising.
And what I’ve realized, after all this time, all this hard work, all of us in advertising are literally, officially, unequivocally…the Antichrist. We’re in a cult. Call your dad.
[smugly] I mean, not to brag, but we’ve been exploiting people’s fears and insecurities way, waaaaay before Donald Trump. The post-truth world was our fucking concept. I think it won an Addy.
And I’m pretty sure the America that was Great Again was just a 1950’s ad campaign for Lysol feminine douche.
But we still have that not so fresh feeling.
Because we’ve got a real douche bag on our hands.
MINISTER OF PROPAGANDA
So, I’ve decided to go out for the real money shot in this career field. Instead of senior copywriter, I’m gunning for Minister of Propaganda. Jessica Goebbels.
Let’s get real, it’s what we’re all doing anyways. The literal definition of propaganda is: ideas or statements of fact that are often false or exaggerated—spread in order to promote or publicize a particular cause or point of view.
In other words: A creative brief.
So let’s make like a brainstorming session, and fake get to work. Here’s 3 industry staples I’ll further champion during my reign.
Number 1! MORE COATING OF ALL THINGS IN PROPRIETARY CHEESE-LIKE POWDER
This may seem odd, but I know how to make societies bend to my will. [with sweeping visionary gestures] In the line of Taco Bell’s Dorito’s Locos Tacos and Burger King’s Mac & Cheetos, I’m going to crop dust whole cities with trademarked not-quite-cheese power. It’ll be the new agent orange. And everyone will be required to show their foodgasms with nonsense advertising words like: “Cheese-tastic” and “flavor-ific.”
Number 2! MORE MASCOTS FOR GROSS HUMAN BODILY FUNCTIONS
Who had the brilliant idea to make mucus into a green anthropomorphic working-class snot ball that looks and sounds like the guy from “The King of Queens“ just trying to eek out a decent living with his family in our nasal cavities or whatever? So then you have class warfare with every dose of Mucinex. Like you’re personally responsible for gentrifying the neighborhood up here.
So here’s a few mascots I’d like to see in order to create a more perfect state of the union:
CAPTAIN SMUDGE: a brown coated, slick talking, smooth operator to raise awareness about the all-too-preventable spread of skid marks.
THE BERKIN: A superhero type who resembles a merkin, but for a real man’s man, you know. This Berkin targets target men with backhair.
PIMPLESTILTSKIN: A rosy-cheeked, pus-nosed little pop star, if you know what I’m saying.
Speaking of zits, that brings me to my 3rd revolutionary must-have. This one’s for you ladies.
Number 3! MORE PERKS WRAPPED IN PRUDE PACKAGING
Let me show you the thought process here.
I have adult acne. It’s my skin’s way of staying hip and relevant. It’s Forever 14 up here.
Anyway, I got this shipment from ProActiv and inside was this “Deep Cleansing Brush,” but when you take off the brush head it just becomes this round vibrating orb. [Vrmmmmmmmm….down to crotch]
Then I started to look around at all these battery-operated “beauty tools.”
Like the Venus Soothing Vibrations razor.
We know what you’re getting at Gillette. [stage whisper] Penis Soothing Vibrations
Now that’s effective branding.
HEAD ON CLOSER
So, let’s get off…our duffs, and Make America Fake Again.
I’ll close with one thought on how to best face this brave new world:
“Head on. Apply directly to the forehead.“ [Repeat & pound forehead]
Word up. I’m Jessica Holmes.