THIS SWEATER IS LIT
Yeah, you might have an ugly holiday sweater, but is it…LIT?
Via two light sources?
This is obviously a product of the 80s. When everyone was on cocaine… so we bought into anything… so long as it was hideous to behold and powered by a Duracell.
Remember that old 80s campaign with the rabbit drum major? It keeps going and going and going. We know what you were on, Energizer Bunny. [taps nose] Coke Classic.
TRUMP, WE’RE ON IT
Honestly, it’s not easy to do a roast on advertising in the Trump era. Because in this political climate, the only real campaign to break through in 3 years has been South Dakota’s…
“Meth. We’re on it.”
Tho…to be honest, how many of us have spent sleepless nights in a cold sweat, rocking back and forth, biting our nails to the quick, talking too fast really nostalgically about when, remember when, our president…could like…spell his wife’s first name and the word hamburgers?!
“Trump. We’re on it. “
Explains his sniffing in speeches. And the slurred words: “God blesh Ammerca.”
TOO WOKE
The only other standouts in advertising lately have been when brands have got a little too woke.
Remember when Kendall Jenner single-handedly united the protest movement and the police force with a Pepsi. Hashtag #resistCokeproducts So brave.
Or when Gillette took a stand on toxic masculinity by getting realllll sarcastic with their tagline. “Ummm…is that the best a man can get?” Ohhh…sick razor burn.
PODCAST ASMR-VERTISING
Honestly, to keep my sanity, I now spend most of my time toggling between political and murder podcasts. Cause we’ve all gotta go somehow.
So in my mind advertising’s getting strangely…ASMR intimate. Everybody’s whispering in your ear about slipping on MeUndies and in between some Parachute sheets. I mean, I know exactly how it feels to spend a night in Jon Favreau’s Casper bed. Code word: PodSaveMyOrgasm. It’s like a dick in a box. Oh wait, it’s just a mattress in there?
Now I’ve gotta cancel “Hello Fresh” and that Fab, Fit, Fun box. It’s just not…what I was expecting.
GROSS TWITTER
It’s not my fault my mind just…goes there. Even big brands are doing the advertising equivalent of adding “in bed” to the end of a fortune cookie and calling it a day.
Just a few days ago, Netflix tweeted, “What’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?”
These are actual replies from real verified accounts.
Hot Pocket teased:
“Nice hot pocket.”
Mr. Peanut busted out:
“I need a nut.”
Boston Market inserted:
“You’ve been waiting for this stuffing all year.”
When chef Rachel Ray jacked the phrase:
“Where’s the beef?”
Wendy’s hit her back with. “Ummmm…sup. Wink emoji.”
Then Kettle Brand Chips ruined everything with:
“You can go elbow deep in me.”
When Twitter is dis-gust-ing on basically every level, it’s time to cancel the internet. No slogan is safe.
TRUTH IN (LOCAL) ADVERTISING
This is why I’m so proud of Idaho advertising. We are truth tellers. Of the real everyday, hit you in your gut truth, you know. I am here for it.
Like that Idaho Lottery spot by Mitchell Palmer where the guy is trying to use the automated bathroom equipment. I relate. [mad waving] “Am I not made of human flesh and matter?!”
That Primary Health spot by Stoltz Group where you’re just waiting for that little girl to buckle her goddamn seatbelt. Now that is some nail-biting suspense. [………….click] You can tell a motherfuckin’ parent conceived of that spot.
Or Drake Cooper’s iconic 18 Summers campaign, where you’re reminded that your time on earth is fleeting, your children will soon grow up to resent you (#boomer), and your most precious memories, if you even bother to make them, will eventually end up as a pile of Idaho dust. It hits that sweet spot we’re all trying to achieve in advertising: Nostalgic existentialism.
Or maybe we should call this campaign 18 Rockies because how fucking many times is that going to win Best of Show?! I mean, we get it already. It’s a good idea. Not that I’m jealous or anything.
I do like…get it. Even though I don’t have kids I do have a biological clock. I imagine my eggs in there, [mimes smoking cigarette] “We got 18 good summers. [drags, exhales.] Better make the most of it.”
Well, me and my eggs gotta go jump in an Idaho lake. But uh, I raise a glass to all of you in advertising.
God rest ye merry gentleman and you bad ass women who slay.